Protected: Confused.

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Protected: why do i get so affected by the smallest things …

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reaffirm your love for me ~

This is inspired by a sms I received from Sockz dearest. (She smsed me that she missed me ~ aww I miss you too dearest!) And I’ll also give small credit to Delia‘s sms. (She smsed me goodnight last night, even though I was the one who chased her to sleep 1st.)

*my reflections starts*

I have insecurities. I don’t show them. I appear like I don’t really care, well sometimes I really don’t, but at times, I actually really do.

I love it when people sms me.
I love it when people call me just to chat and catch up.
I love it when people tell me they missed me.
I love it when people ask me out, or ask me if I want to hang out, or just meet up for a while.
I love it when people make the 1st move for the above.

I know, this shows a great deal of my insecurity. I need your love for me reaffirmed. When people take the initiative to ask me out, call me, or sms me, it makes me feel that I’m loved, I’m remembered, and I’ll know someone’s thinking of me. I need to know this.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t do these to others, I do do them, just that sometimes I like receiving them more.

Perhaps it just show my vulnerability. I’m just someone who need to have affirmation of your love for me. There is this wall I need to break down. Sometimes, I’m too afraid to show my emotions, and the way I feel. Deep down, this wall’s my vulnerability. My fear, my wall.

‘Cause, I don’t wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
Every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold.
I will allow someone to love me
Marie Digby – Unfold

I’ll be fine soon. Don’t worry. ~

Fuck feeling …

I feel for you Shane. (Not to mention you are damn right hot!)

From The L Word, Season 1, Episode 13:

Shane: You know, my entire life, people said that … I’ll become a psychopath if I didn’t learn how to feel. And I want to know Cherie what the fuck is so great about feeling. Because I finally let myself … and I feel that my heart’s been completely ripped out.

Cherie: Sorry.

Shane: I had this insane idea that you and I could be together. Because it felt real.

Cherie: That was a delusion.

Shane: Then I was delusional. Because I swear you felt the same way about me.

Cherie: What if I did? What difference would it make? What if the time we spent together I felt more alive in my past 20 years of my life. What if that were true? Do you think that I would leave my husband, my child, my houses in Bel Air and East Hampton, my trips to Paris? My Black Ties Galas, to run to some wreck little love nest, with a 25 year old assistant hair dresser who barely has her foot in the door. In this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist.

Sorting out my feelings now … and it is driving me insane. I was delusional before. I don’t want to be delusional again. I’m just going crazy with these thoughts.

So tell me, what the fuck is so great about feeling?

I’m (not) okay …

Random rantings. I assure I’m really fine.

School …

Sometimes, I really hate myself for not getting into SMU. For screwing up that stupid interview, not doing better for my appeal letter. And now I end up in such an expensive course in SIM. I don’t feel good about the high cost of the course.

Well, what can I do, thing don’t always go the way you want.

I don’t like it when people ask me what’s my plans. Or which University I’m going. Or what course I’m taking. Cause I don’t know. I cannot answer them, and I don’t know how to. Not that I’m ashamed of going to SIM or anything. It is just that I have not received any formal news from them. So what should I answer? That I don’t know yet and waiting for the results? When almost everyone knows that by now the results should already be out.

Friends …

Sometimes, I don’t know who are my friends. I don’t know who can stay my friends. I have a feeling some friends will drift apart from me when they start school. Some I have a strong feeling the friendship will stay strong. But I already sense someone drifting … I don’t like the way it’s going …

On a lighter note, Delia, Nan Xiao and I hooked our pinkies as a promise we will live together some day. I don’t know if it is possible, but I do look forward to the day.

Relationships …

I miss you, but I refuse to admit it to myself. I don’t even know what I feel. I don’t even know what this feeling is. I know you feel nothing for me, but the feeling I’m struggling with is not being sad that you don’t feel for me. It is not even know about how I feel for you. But even if I do like you, I won’t even admit to myself that it is true. Dilemma …

Just certain ramblings. It would be best if you just leave this post as it is and don’t come and question me about anything. When I feel like talking about it again, I would. Just don’t bother me about it.

I am INSANE! :D

I’ve got a fever again! It is just pretty mild @ at 37.7°C. I ain’t suffering either (other than the insufferable pain calling out from my thighs and arms due to PE yesterday after 3 weeks of being sick and hence no exercise), only feeling rather hot warm. No wonder I was shivering for almost the whole day with a slight headache and (I quote from The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allan Poe) “a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit“. I still went to eat the forbidden foods despite this due to my unawareness of my condition.

I hope the fever go away, or maybe not. Then when there is a temperature check on Tuesday, I will get sent home! Nah … I rather not. It’s barely 9 weeks till my Prelims! I can’t afford to miss ANYTHING!

I believe that my fever is due to stress from back to school and over-exerting my body during PE yesterday. I should have known better to stay away. Though I seriously need the exercise to help train myself fit enough for the NAPFA test which I am going to FAIL anyway.

I have signed up to retake my SAT I aka SAT Reasoning Test! And guess the date? 1st Nov! That’s the Sat before my A levels. Many people would say I am insane, but well, practising for SAT is practising for my GP vocabulary too. Now I am paranioa that I cannot get into a University and while I am sourcing overseas (STATES) University, I am spoilt with too many choices. Though we little with courses that I am interested in or that fit the budget. Not that I think that I can get into them anyway, but no harm trying!

By the way! I finally bought shorts! From Cotton On! I saw shorts, I tried the size and well, they fit! I am a happy girl! They were on offer too. 2 for $20! I bought a white and purple cause the rest didn’t have my size. (What do you expect from offer items?)

I seriously need to start exercising to get back into shape! Or else my body will just ache all over again after every PE lesson!

And I can’t wait for MONDAY to arrive! Seoul Garden @ TM with WJSC!

I know I AM random.

Need to start studying soon …

Shall start by completing all my tutorials first! Poe shall spend the night with me …

Distraction from studying …

I just complained to my mum that I AM FAT, and she sighed and pondered for a while before replying to tell me to go and die, to commit suicide. This then made me feel like blogging. See how easy it is for me to be distracted? I need to leave the house! Like seriously.

So my mum just instigated my death. No way! I would NEVER commit suicide!

Reason?

I AM AFRAID OF PAIN !!!

Yes I so am! I would never commit suicide due to this fact. Almost every method of suicide would involve pain.

1. Jumping down a building – definitely painful! (plus think about how you will look like when you die, so aweful! how about the person who will have to clean up your death?)
2. Wrist slicing – lingering pain (worse if you don’t manage to die, plus messy too)
3. Pills overdosage (if you don’t die, stomach cleaning will kill)
4. Running out to the road – ouch! (painful way to die, worse if fail).
5. Stab yourself with knife (not a definite death, but definitely painful).
6. Suffocating (it would mean suffering). Drowning
7. (also like suffocating which also = suffering).
8. Gun to head / heart (also painful and messy)
9. Drinking powdered glass added to a drink (oh my throat!)

Seriously I found the last one from a website! I can’t believe that there are website telling you how you can commit suicide. They are actually forums, and most of the time end up being a big practical joke by the person who sets the question, and attracting lots of believers of god to persuade the person to accept god and keetp on living while some sick people will actually suggest methods to commit suicide. I know certain websites that exist to help peopel commit suicide, I think they are just really sick and screwed up.

Nevertheless back to my point. The only way I think you can commit suicide without much pain is gas poisoning. But well, my family don’t use gas, and I don’t have a car to kill myself with CO gas. Then again, I love myself too much to die! And I think these gas will cause you to suffer some way or another, but I don’t know cause I never tried. Never want to either.

So bottom line of the story, I won’t commit suicide cause I am afraid of pain and I love myself too much depite the fact that I hate myself quite a lot too. Well, at least I love myself enough to keep on living!

And you should too, love life, love yourself and don’t think about death. When things happen, they will. Don’t bother trying to do anything else.

d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d

Depressing post that is not worth reading …

The TK BAND’s flame, burning strong …

* Parts of speech from Azlan, definitions from Dictionary.com

FAIL:
1) disappoint, prove undependable to; abandon, forsake
2) fall short in what is expected

CHAMPION:
To fight for, defend, or support as a champion

TK BAND, champions, always…

TK BAND

We may not have gotten it this year …

but we have NOT FAILED!

We will be back and strong in 2010

Deyi, just you wait …

TK BAND will come back stronger

and better than ever.

TK BAND, I’ll always love you. You too are my shining stars. You have not failed but are always champions. At least we were defeated by a worthy opponent. Let’s all congratulate Deyi for clinching both awards. Let’s all accept our defeat graciously, but forever keep our chins up high, being proud that we are in TK Band. TK BAND, we are still the best. You will always be the best in my heart, in every of your alumni’s hearts.

TK BAND, I ♥ YOU!!!

Let the tears fall …

Really, don’t bother commenting about how emo or whatever I am. I’m just like that on my blog. I just need a space to let it all out. I’ll be better once I type it all out and have a good cry. I’ll be the same old bubbly me when you see me.

Perhaps, keeping everything inside is really hard. I never know I was so hurt inside until I finally let it all out. Perhaps, acting that I don’t care makes me care more. Perhaps, trying to act like I’m all strong just makes me weaker. Perhaps … I just can’t take it anymore. Cause I broke down … (and it doesn’t help it when sad songs are playing at the exact moment)

You know, I told myself, it would be the last time I’ll check your blog. And if I can’t get access, I won’t ever visit your blog anymore. Seems like God is helping us save our friendship. Though I know things will never be the same again. And that really hurts. Cause I’m sick of acting that I don’t care anymore. I have friends drift away from me before, but this is the only time I feel so bad.

RARR!!!

I just want to SCREAM and SHOUT and CRY!!!

And hopefully, just hopefully, all my worries and fears will all go away.

Protected: leaving these behind …

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CNY red and blues …

Some CNY photos =D

Yu Sheng! =D

Looks yummilicious! But it isn’t. Well, it ain’t my mum’s cooking OK!

 My cousins, brothers and I =D

Festive seasons are when you miss your loved ones the most. This is so true. Last night, or rather this morning since I woke up crying, I dreamt of her. I called out to her, but she just walked away. =( I miss her!

be strong! CG 15/07!

CG 15/07, be strong! We shall be one class united! Stay strong and united and nothing can pull us apart.