Archive for the 'Thoughts' Category
Protected: Confused.
It’s been over 2 months. I thought I’ll do well, but then you came back along and fucked my whole life upside down.
I have an exam tomorrow, but I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate, cause all my mind has is you.
I need to severe all ties.
In order to move on.
I think all these hyped up issues about global warming is BULLSHIT!
I mean, take a walk down Orchard Road. Imagine if we just not put up Christmas lighting and decorations for one year, how much electricity can we save? (Not forgetting how much electricity new malls take up due to their architecture – Iluma / Ion)
So what’s the point of the big fuss about conservation, Earth Hour campaign, or some other useless global warming campaign shit? When we just waste our resources for useless commercial uses.
GO FIGURE!
* yea I know, I’m just too cynical for my own good.
When it consumes you from inside out …
When it becomes purely a fight with moving on …
When the feeling becomes all about yourself …
This feeling … isn’t love anymore. Or is it?
It’s so clear that you mean so much more to me, than I mean to you.
I hope you have a smashing good time though.
And I realize, I need you to help me get over you.
Sometimes, it almost seems like, the person I’m missing, has became a figment of my imagination.
Cause he doesn’t exist anymore …
Protected: why do i get so affected by the smallest things …
Protected: stuck between holding on and letting go …
This is inspired by a sms I received from Sockz dearest. (She smsed me that she missed me ~ aww I miss you too dearest!) And I’ll also give small credit to Delia‘s sms. (She smsed me goodnight last night, even though I was the one who chased her to sleep 1st.)
*my reflections starts*
I have insecurities. I don’t show them. I appear like I don’t really care, well sometimes I really don’t, but at times, I actually really do.
I love it when people sms me.
I love it when people call me just to chat and catch up.
I love it when people tell me they missed me.
I love it when people ask me out, or ask me if I want to hang out, or just meet up for a while.
I love it when people make the 1st move for the above.
I know, this shows a great deal of my insecurity. I need your love for me reaffirmed. When people take the initiative to ask me out, call me, or sms me, it makes me feel that I’m loved, I’m remembered, and I’ll know someone’s thinking of me. I need to know this.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t do these to others, I do do them, just that sometimes I like receiving them more.
Perhaps it just show my vulnerability. I’m just someone who need to have affirmation of your love for me. There is this wall I need to break down. Sometimes, I’m too afraid to show my emotions, and the way I feel. Deep down, this wall’s my vulnerability. My fear, my wall.
‘Cause, I don’t wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
Every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold.
I will allow someone to love me
Marie Digby – Unfold
I’ll be fine soon. Don’t worry. ~
I feel for you Shane. (Not to mention you are damn right hot!)
From The L Word, Season 1, Episode 13:
Shane: You know, my entire life, people said that … I’ll become a psychopath if I didn’t learn how to feel. And I want to know Cherie what the fuck is so great about feeling. Because I finally let myself … and I feel that my heart’s been completely ripped out.
Cherie: Sorry.
Shane: I had this insane idea that you and I could be together. Because it felt real.
Cherie: That was a delusion.
Shane: Then I was delusional. Because I swear you felt the same way about me.
Cherie: What if I did? What difference would it make? What if the time we spent together I felt more alive in my past 20 years of my life. What if that were true? Do you think that I would leave my husband, my child, my houses in Bel Air and East Hampton, my trips to Paris? My Black Ties Galas, to run to some wreck little love nest, with a 25 year old assistant hair dresser who barely has her foot in the door. In this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist.
Sorting out my feelings now … and it is driving me insane. I was delusional before. I don’t want to be delusional again. I’m just going crazy with these thoughts.
So tell me, what the fuck is so great about feeling?
Protected:
When silence between us becomes comforting rather than awkward. ^^
Did I mention how much I love my friends? Well I guess I don’t have to cause they all know how much I love them.
Random rantings. I assure I’m really fine.
School …
Sometimes, I really hate myself for not getting into SMU. For screwing up that stupid interview, not doing better for my appeal letter. And now I end up in such an expensive course in SIM. I don’t feel good about the high cost of the course.
Well, what can I do, thing don’t always go the way you want.
I don’t like it when people ask me what’s my plans. Or which University I’m going. Or what course I’m taking. Cause I don’t know. I cannot answer them, and I don’t know how to. Not that I’m ashamed of going to SIM or anything. It is just that I have not received any formal news from them. So what should I answer? That I don’t know yet and waiting for the results? When almost everyone knows that by now the results should already be out.
Friends …
Sometimes, I don’t know who are my friends. I don’t know who can stay my friends. I have a feeling some friends will drift apart from me when they start school. Some I have a strong feeling the friendship will stay strong. But I already sense someone drifting … I don’t like the way it’s going …
On a lighter note, Delia, Nan Xiao and I hooked our pinkies as a promise we will live together some day. I don’t know if it is possible, but I do look forward to the day.
Relationships …
I miss you, but I refuse to admit it to myself. I don’t even know what I feel. I don’t even know what this feeling is. I know you feel nothing for me, but the feeling I’m struggling with is not being sad that you don’t feel for me. It is not even know about how I feel for you. But even if I do like you, I won’t even admit to myself that it is true. Dilemma …
Just certain ramblings. It would be best if you just leave this post as it is and don’t come and question me about anything. When I feel like talking about it again, I would. Just don’t bother me about it.
Friends … Sometimes I just don’t think I know them anymore.
or rather
Sometimes … I just don’t know who I can call my friends anymore.
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